It is befitting that I had stumbled upon this quote. Today, in fact, marks yet another big change in my life. Like others I have faced, this change was of my own doing. A decision I came to after much thought, prayer and open ears to those who surround me with love. It was absolutely not an easy choice though. I wrestled within for a while hoping for a big neon sign or an "ah-ha" moment. I am a believer in the universe speaking to me. Yet this time I felt abandoned by it. No smart passage of a book saying "great choice Becky"! Nothing in a dream I could wake from and feel "wow that was an obvious gentle whisper of approval". No powerful mental clarity. Not a shred of internal absolute. Only hope. Faith.
I once read, "Faith and fear cannot coexist." That you can not truly have faith if you are still holding on to fear. That really spoke to me. However I'm wondering now, finding myself in a moment of a certain kind of fear, isn't it possible? I certainly have the faith I need to take this step into the unknown. Giving up control and a bit of the self reliant life I've come to love. At the same time though, recognizing that just a few steps ahead of me there is darkness. A ledge I can't see over. It is like looking into a one-way mirror. Unable to see what is in front of me, just on the other side. Instead all I can see is myself.
ALL I SEE IS MYSELF.
She is apprehensive and cautious and nervous. She is giving up and letting go. She has much to be grateful for yet has still lost a few pieces of herself along the way and now has an opportunity to pick them up again. Of course, that could mean going backwards. Although, I don't know if it's backwards as much as it is forward with a memory of the past fully intact, to be used as a tool for growth.
The only constant in the world IS change. The very things in this life that scare us will usually be what saves us too! Maybe the new version of an old favorite should be, "Faith and a healthy fear CAN coexist, as long as you face them with wisdom and love".
Therefore, taking risks at the mercy of furthering our self growth. Relying on the impermanence of our lives, so that we will always keep moving and continue walking through these swinging doors that are more fate than happenstance.
What I hope is to look into that reflection of myself and feel pride. Acknowledge her doubts and fears, face them and then make peace with the journey. Knowing full well she is still the same strong willed, courageous, self honoring woman. Except now she has more cause to allow life (and others) to cushion any fall. No matter the outcome, make the most on the way there.
The journey IS the destination. It is an ever changing, ever flowing river that we will look back upon and give thanks. For the current that kept us moving along when we may have been more comfortable with our feet securely rooted in the unassailable muds below.
"Be the change", Gandhi said. Yes, and now I say, "let the change be". :)
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