I Write What I Need To Read

 "Every morning its the same thing. Sidewalks of people with who cares stares. My hearts too big for this city. My hearts too big for my body. My hearts too big for you to understand me", Mary Lambert opens with and explains in one of her beautiful new songs. A haunting melody with yet a familiar story. Its true, isn't it? That there are days we wake up, greet the morning and there is just something missing. The inherent smile we know we should be wearing. The gratitude and appreciation. We are, after all, blessed to wake at all! To have another day. To have our homes, our loved ones, our passions and desires met. There are still moments though, that overwhelm. They cause questioning and grief and at times, disappointment. It can be physical or emotional. Lord knows, it can be mentally. Honestly, its usually a lethal whirling dose of all three. The world will tell us its ok. Keep the faith. Stay strong. Just push through it. These are the hopeful encouraging words we all give so freely with good intentions. And they do help. They do but, they do not change matters. 

 Here is my point to all this. We, ourselves must change matters. We must be patient and give ourselves the time and love it takes to come back. We will take in all of the well wishes and pleasantries but it is only within our own power to find whatever happiness is for us in the moment and call upon that. Even the smallest glimpse of safe. The glimmer of hopeful that can lead us into the next moment. Then the next and then the one after that. Until we can look behind us and see the wake we have created of small yet meaningful stepping stones into our future. A path that along the way may have seemed insignificant, but behind us has left our story. I told my daughter today, "you go at your own pace not someone else's". 

 Sometimes i feel that i feel too much! I feel everything. From deception to genuine. From passive to brutally honest. From love to detest. And I am intense and explosive too. On either side of things. Yet here is the thing, a lot of us are. Mary begins the second verse, "Everybodys hurting. Theres nothing more human than that. See the pieces of hearts missing, but watch how the light fills the cracks". 

She is completely correct. We are not monochromatic. There is black and white within us. There are moments it is hardcore, stripped down one or the other! Take it or leave it mentality. Then other times we are very much full of color. Bright gorgeous rainbows of colors! There is no grey. There may be times we try like hell to create the grey. If only we could just not feel. Not hurt or deflate or even bubble over. Because even the moments we feel numb, we are very much still feeling. 

 I have spent a few weeks now feeling. Feeling everything, including confusion. There are things in my life happening around me I share with pride and joy and excitement. Yet, these are amongst others inside of me. The darkness. I don't have a name for it yet. I may never. It is partially skin, bones, muscle and nerve endings. It is also part mind, emotion and soul. I hate saying I am suffering. "Oh yes, I am suffering with this thing I can't fully explain to you, but its there and its real and it sucks!" No. There are people suffering in this world and I am not one of them! And yet, theres still this thing. Doctors, friends, family, online gurus and just about everyone has friendly advice. Much appreciated. Inside of me though, there is no advice. I tell myself one thing and there are times I just don't listen. 

 I have a feeling this is only the beginning. That's ok. Its a path I'm creating so that one day I will look behind and feel ahead again. I will continue to write about it from time to time, so thank you for your patience and kindness. Just as reading is, writing is healing also. Kris Carr wrote, "I write what I need to read. I write what I need to say. But most of all, I write to get to know myself". And so I share for all of the same reasons. The words i put down that create these messages are ultimately for you to read. They begin, however, as a tool of healing for myself. They are important to share though. So share is what I shall do! Thank you for listening. 

XOXO