A little more than a year ago, my world was thrown a curveball that I had no idea how to catch. I struggled on a daily basis for a while trying to teach myself how to remain calm and controlled in situations that felt completely foreign and far out of my hands. It was not only scary in the moment but, the thought of a future with these feelings were the most frightening. With no real diagnosis, but plenty of ideas thrown my way including various meds and numerous trips for bloodwork, I finally decided I truly had to at least try to take things into my own hands somehow. Being in that much darkness with absolutely no idea of direction really causes one to contemplate everything from past to future to mortality to basic quality of life. I constantly kept feeling like, "Who am I to feel such a pity for myself though?" So many other people I knew and loved had gone through much more. Of course, in the middle of some of the worst nights, when I was going on 48 hours straight insomnia and I felt as if my body was revolting against me, the mind has a tendency to feel things that we don't think of until we are put in that position.
Last night, as I lay on my yoga mat in class number two of an eight week special for back to basics and beginner yoga, I began to think about those moments in the middle of the night that were not so long ago yet feel so very far away. One moment in particular I recall was a midnight shortly before Christmas time. I was on the couch for about a month straight-because when an episode came on I felt I was better off being alone then waking everyone else-and I remember a moment when I decided, this has got to stop! I can see the Christmas tree lights lit in front of me and I thought, "I am going to get through this one this time and not let it cripple me. I put music in my ears and played a couple songs that were empowering to me. I thought, if I can just distract my mind somehow it will have nowhere else to go but...away!
Shortly after that thought, I can't say exactly how long it took, but I fell asleep. That wasn't the last episode I had but somehow I knew something shifted that night. I took back my control just a bit. Just enough to give myself some help. I can't tell you exactly when they stopped… Actually, I do know the exact date I had my last real "episode" (that's the name I've given to my experiences because I have had no perfect word to label exactly what I went through). It was the night before my wedding. It was not a big one and I did get to sleep after not too long but everything after that has been much less significant to report. So, back to my yoga mat last night...
What I used to call the "evil monster inside of me", I began to wonder if or when I would be visited again by it. I don't think about it constantly anymore but from time to time a flash of fear hits me. I calmly continued on with my meditative savasana. Letting the memory come and then go gently. Then I thought, if I had continued and kept up my practice all of these years, would I have been in a better place to manage and cope with the unexplainable alter ego I had lived with for that period of time? And yes, I questioned, if she ever returns again will I be better equipped? I really do not know. When my mind is clear and I feel strong and healthy and sane, I say without a doubt, sure! I totally got this! But there's always a level of doubt. Always controlled by fear. I'm not sure I will ever completely be rid of that but maybe that is a good thing. I do not run the risk of becoming too comfortable and I may hold onto an awareness that life is most certainly a puzzle that never may be finished. That there are always more pieces to discover and it is our job to find where they will fit. Like when I felt my life had split in two. Like when one day I woke up and there was this completely other half of me that I not only couldn't recognize but, it seemed like an actual line down the middle...A clean cut right in half. Yet as time went by I discovered the many smaller pieces that were scattered around. Like the mug this morning. What appeared to be a seamless line down the center, once I took a closer look, I began to pick up one small bit at a time that I had not seen before. They blended in so well with their surroundings I hadn't noticed them at first.
I feel the pull every single day for a healthier more self loving life. I have become a much stronger human being in the last five years than I ever have been. Life is full of choices and it's OK to make the wrong ones and then choose new ones. Not only does it prove to yourself that life is ever evolving and change is constant but, it teaches the world around you that you are OK being a part of it! The whole reason I began this blog was because at the time, living authentically for me meant to wake up every day and know that whatever I faced, whatever I looked like mentally, spiritually, emotionally or physically, that was OK! That was my authenticity of the moment. Living authentically…and other daily chores. Sometimes, it is a chore to get out of bed. Some days it is a chore to eat a salad instead of a donut. Somedays it is a chore to walk down 12 stairs onto a treadmill and exercise for 30 minutes. Some days it is a chore to smile, even in a reality of a safe beautiful home, a loving wife, beautiful children, a devoted and wonderful family. Some days living authentically means reminding ourselves that we have so much to be thankful for and to smile about. Yet some days it's still a chore, and that's OK.
Today is actually a great day! The weather is changing and spring is soon on its way. Our winter here in New York has been oddly mild and thoroughly welcomed. I am feeling confident and strong in my decisions lately to finally do some physical mending of my body. I am not broken but I do feel my health can be steered to a closer more honorable version of myself. A year of confusion and darkness and fear that cripples you at times throws off your game plan! It throws off your path of faith and dedication. It's a little more difficult to pull yourself back into the driver seat you are familiar with and most comfortable with but not impossible by any means! I'm beginning my yoga practice once again and I am starting with faith and devotion as my guides.
In the next week or so I will be posting a few more times about an idea ive had. Nothing super hugely creative or possibly not even of any interest to anyone else! That is not why I write though. Those of you who know me well, understand that I love to share my ideas, especially when they can be interactive. I also believe in the power of numbers and unity in general. I'm not proposing a big fancy group cleanse or even a diet. This is more about just offering an idea. The idea of having others to talk to about getting back on track. I love to share. I share photos and stories and poems and ideas. That's what social media is about, after all. At least it is for me. Connectivity. Every year I like to refocus myself. Yes, it is technically a "cleanse". But for me it is much more. Especially this year and the nature of the subject of the first half of this blog. A coming back to myself, anyway. Finding the bits and pieces that have been there all along but have been cleverly camouflaged by their surroundings. I'm beginning to pick them up one at a time and figure out just exactly where in the puzzle they fit. So in the spirit of being held accountable, I am going to document daily my experience. Feel free to listen to me but, feel just as free to ignore me completely and go on with the rest of your day! I will not be offended. In fact I completely understand. Some days, I try to ignore myself even! If you want to join along with me let me know! I'll be happy to fill you in with my ideas for what the next month or so will look like. Yes, it will be about what I am eating, but so much more. I would like to share what each day holds as far as spiritually as well. Spirituality for me lives in everything though! From the moment I open my eyes in the morning to how I feel like my body is going to treat me that day. To what the weather is like outside and how I treat someone who has not been kind. How I love others in my life, those who love me back and those who do not. How I treat my own body. How many potato chips I eat after dinner. How many glasses of wine I have on a Friday night. Trying to honor it all (and btw, sometimes four glasses of wine honors my spirit...just saying).
I truly hope you all are having a wonderful in between season. In between cold and renewal. In between stagnant and blooming. Be well. Take care of yourself and others! Until next time… Continue to live authentically and don't forget about your other daily chores.
No comments:
Post a Comment