What is living authentically, exactly? Ive said before, there are mornings I wake up and feel the need to get dressed up. Make up, shoes, jewelry...the whole fancy thing. Then there are other mornings I realize Ive spent a day and a half in the same clothes without a shower. Literally. Sleeping and all. Over time, though, Ive come to love the multiple me's and embrace them each equally. Just like in a group of close friends that we spend time with on a regular basis, giving each one of them their fair share to be who they are and be a part of our lives in whatever special way they fulfill us. Our innermost selves are vying for the same time to shine. Rightfully so.
Think about those closest to you in your circle and imagine one of them missing. A piece of your puzzle gone, like an open wound waiting to heal shut. Now imagine that you as a whole, the pieces that make you complete, are not all allowed to be present. Someone is pushed away or asked to leave the party. You're left holding one extra glass for someone not returning. It feels off. Wrong. Like one too many seats in a game of musical chairs and when the record stops, the obvious emptiness where someone clearly belongs is now just a mystery unsolved. A question unanswered. So what if you looked around and saw that missing link, standing in the corner alone and feeling unwelcome?
The thing is, there is always room for more. Even if more chairs have to be dragged in and dusted off. We never want to be the cause of uncomfortable guests or neglected friends.
Now open your mind with me a little further. Lets call that pretty little wallflower your silly side. Or maybe she is your fearful self who procrastinates at the idea of a spotlight. How about, the enabler who has all the time in the world for others but just can't seem to spend any quality time at peace within. Then theres always irrationally angry girl. Oh yes, she has a whole lot to say about nothing and for no reason at all usually. Have you ever tried to silence her? She sneaks round to the back door and bursts through loud enough to bring any shindig to a screeching halt. The thing is, there is no good reason to quiet these ladies (or gents, cause lets face it, some of mine are like 98 year old crotchety men or horny young teenage boys...just keepin it real). Anywho, to shush away our voices is to suppress a part of the whole. A valid and worthy piece of ourselves that should be acknowledged and embraced.
One very personal experience i can share (on a more serious note, as opposed to make up vs. no make up) is my bisexuality. It was a turbulent sea i swam, navigating the waters in between gay and straight. I found stereotypes on both sides. Each asking the question, "well, what are you then?" Needing answers I could not fully give. I had been in love with a man. 100% fully and truly. There is no doubt in that statement. So when i fell in love with a woman, that removed the somewhat "acceptable" frame of mind from those who felt that, "if you're gay, you were born that way." So there I was, somewhere in between. I struggled inside that pocket for a while until, and I can't say exactly when or how, one day I just stopped. I stopped treading the water and I allowed myself to float peacefully and allow the current to take me where it wanted me to go. Call it faith or destiny or a sort of giving in. I gave into my inner selves. The once impatient and misunderstood. The multiple voices that would whisper at any given time, "but what about me?" Just because you ignore someone, does not make them nonexistent. Thankfully, they will persist. It is unfair and unjust of us to dismiss a corner of our soul in such ways that will inevitably display a false version of who we are. To others yes, but also to ourselves. Tolerance and acceptance are two very different things. I do not want to only tolerate myself but, accept in every possible form I show up as.
Ive been crying a lot lately. Not necessarily out of sadness. I suppose more out of just pure emotions. Some say it must just be hormones. Possibly. Although, I am not in puberty or menopause, nor do I have the pregnancy glow (that would be interesting though). :) Instead, I have got very little warning and control over these new mini flash floods that sneak up on me at various times and cause the waterworks to flow. The little lady of the house has even caught on. Its become a family joke, "uh oh look out, mom is gonna cry". You think I'm exaggerating for the sake of my story? Within the last week I have teared up or flat out balled at all of the following: an article about an elephant, a Sam Smith song, a baby picture of Paris, my W2B sleeping, 3 birthday cards and The Lego Movie. Nope, I'm still not joking. I am embracing it though. Actually, most times I end up laughing at myself in disbelief. I think though, that for whatever reason my soul has decided to weep, holds meaning. Maybe I am just becoming more sensitive to...everything...in my old(er) age. Maybe there is some scientific explanation.
I prefer to look at it like, every single day our spirits are dragged through the wringer. Our planet. Our universe. Our existence, be it the first or the 51st time around. We see heartache, pain, misfortune and fear everyday. So to wake each morning and glance to the sky and thank your version of God for one more chance to experience a miracle, well that makes me joyful in spite of the former. So I'm now learning to embrace what these emotions look like on me today. There is actually something comforting and soothing when your emotional insides come flying out of your eyeballs! lol Believe it or not, in making peace with this outpouring from within, there is much satisfaction and pride. I am proud to be exactly who I am on this day. At least that's the version of me talking today. Whoever shows up tomorrow, that's ok too.
I hope that you will laugh today. I hope that you will cry today. I hope that if who you feel like today shows no resemblance of what others or even yourself expected, you just walk right around strutting your stuff anyhow. As long as truth and kindness are at the drivers seat then put the pedal to the metal. You won't always be appreciated. You certainly will not always be understood. You may even confuse and frustrate yourself. Just be kind. Always be kindhearted.
As for me, I believe in the cliche of LOVE IS LOVE. I can say it with assertion because i live it each and every day. I have loved two different people in very similar ways with no regrets. Lessening that in any way would be a discredit to each of those loves, in which much joy, growth and beauty has emerged. I have loved several versions or myself without hesitation any longer too. How saddening it is to me, that some feel it is better to dismiss love in ANY form due the shape it has taken within ones life. Making twisted and ugly, something that deserves glorification and fireworks and celebration. I am blessed that somehow one day I awoke and felt a peacefulness rising out of me. There is no other explanation but only to say, as if beside myself, i sat arm in arm granting permission to be ok. Just to be O.K.
(PS, I am crying right now writing this)
Be well and cry often! :)
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